Recently Shit Beers of the world took a trip to the spiritual home of many of their favourite beer sales people, Sri Lanka. Beyond the beautiful mountains in the centre of the Island and the oceans that are crystal clear, a priority focus was established; provide the people of the world with the shit beer review of the land once known as Ceylon.
With a rugged and rural people and an ever modernizing capital city, our expectations were mixed. Upon arrival I asked for directions to the local beer guru. I was directed to the aptly named “Wine Shop” the nation’s favourite off licence chain. After passing a few bars and restaurants across the socio-economic spectrum I realized quickly the nation carried only 4 local beers. A disappointing start I decided to sample all.
Close your eyes and imagine the scene: central Colombo, 10:30 pm on a Saturday night. I walking the streets and staring at some dude being beaten to death by the local bouncers, and inhaling the air-born chunder which permeates through the air in this glorious country. I arrived at Wine shop and located ‘Bruce’ – with only my phone to keep me company and many people staring at me wondering why I wasn’t ordering Meth I began to sample the shit that lay before me;
Lion Lager
The most commonly available beer in the land of the common. Light in colour and easy on the eyes (that’s what she said). Plus it has a badass picture of a mountain lion on it that looks like a cross bred between Simba and the Hulk. It’s your total standard go to brew. Available in most places, it is like a watered down tiger. Nothing special, very basic and much like person selling it to you – average in all departments. 2.5/5
3 Coins
Light, refreshing, crisp, happy – like a slightly sweet beer on a hot summer’s day as you watch your meat braai and imagine a simpler time where your girlfriend wasn’t there, your mates were better and you were free and happy. Pretty much that first week of varsity before you had to pay for that American girl you smashed on night one to get an abortion because; 1) she didn’t buy any medical cover and 2) You got smashed and fucked possible the most depressing chick you ever met. It brought back some serious memories. Sri Lanka just got this one right, they imported it from Germany. It is the best beer from the country and sold under the local section despite being an import – a good bar tender will recommend this to you over a Lion, so don’t expect this to happen too often. Pop it open, put on the Baywatch tune and remember the good time before life’s hassles took over. Good shit beer. 4/5
Lion Stout
Where do I even begin? It tastes like the bottom 2% of every Guinness that was left in used glasses at a bar over night, collected into a dustbin, sieved and then left for street people to bathe in whilst pleasing themselves. The kind of thing you buy a mate for a down down and watch in utter pleasure as he looks like he auditioning for facial abuse. However, one of this brews most special attributes must be its unshamed honesty. It is the only product which openly promotes mindless alcohol abuse, massive organ failure and/or loss of life as its main attractions 1/5.
Lion Strong
You ever have to repair some wood fixture in your home? You go to the DIY store and purchase one of those tins of varnish that clearly tells you “Half the price, 400x the protection and lasting power” (just like you told that American chick). Much like original Lion Lager they have taken the negatives and worked hard to ensure they maximise their power whilst carrying over the richness of the stout. Clearly cross brewing at the Lion factory never happens. You ever see those homeless guys who are massively over-weight (how?) and making sure they are being economic in their booze purchases? When you need to think like one of those guys this a great go-to option.
Some might pretentiously drink Jack Daniels or Southern Comfort simply for the reason that these drinks are ‘tasty’ and ‘fashionable’. However, nobody will ever tell you that they are downing a Lion Strong to seem popular, or for its potent burning taste. This is because Lion Strong does not pretend to offer these things, instead, it openly advertises one thing; drunkenness. It gives us an escape from sobriety so powerful that even the most respected of alcoholics cannot deny its magic. When you buy a can of Lion Strong, you plan on getting paralytic, you plan on projectile–chundering a part of your spleen onto the pavement, and you plan on escaping from the painful constraints of society and becoming what you truly are – a beast. 2/5
shit beers 